Jeeebus, Xanga is soooo different now!
So I'm taking a poll....
Return to Xanga? or start a completely new Xanga?
OR... blogspot? because anyone can comment on blogspot. not just xangans... hmm..

you tell me...

I miss blogging... haha. I'm ready to give in again.

It's therapeutic. haha... shoot.

Dear Xanga and world,

TOOOODAAAY (haha)….I woke up to this horoscope:

“You've been really open and honest lately, and you're wondering if you shared too much. Make sure you can trust the people you are sharing with.”

 

And so as much as I have been a pretty big Xanga-head (since September 2003! FOUR years, I know, I can’t fricken believe it either), I’ve come to the realization that maybe I have shared too much of my inner thoughts with the world.  Trust me, I know I’ve been taking this risk since I started blogging, and like the masses, I’m guilty of putting aspects of my life on blast, as I’m sure we’re all pretty damn guilty of now with the evolution of AIM profiles to Friendster to MySpace, Facebook, etc. etc…  And many times we write things sometimes like lyrics to a song or phrases or quotes or even self-proclaimed insights that we mean to vaguely hint how we are feeling at the moment hoping someone out there is paying attention.  And sometimes, we read other people’s Xangas or blogs and peer into their lives trying to figure out what’s going on like fricken paparazzi do to celebrities… I think that’s kind of sad… even though we all do it.  I know I do.  And now that I think about it… I don’t want to put myself out there anymore.  Sure, it lets other people know how I’m doing in an indirect, impersonal way… and God knows it’s helped me vent and express things and get stuff off my chest… And I really enjoy going back to old entries and reminiscing about how my life was different years or even just a few months ago… and I kind of like it when I see people say “I read your Xanga! blahblahblah”… but I’m not eighteen anymore, and I’m looking for more personal connections with people now. 

 

It feels weird sometimes when you see someone you don’t normally talk to – I mean you KNOW them, but you don’t know them on deeper levels and they come up to you and not ASK “How have you been?” but SAY “I’ve read your Xanga…” and that’s kind of when I get all big-eyed like, “How’d you know I had one?”… but then DUH, it’s kind of public… and even though I tried making it only visible to Xanga members every now and then, or even just my subscribers, some of you subscribers (no offense) really don’t need to be knowing everything… and yeah, it’s my fault too… because I don’t manage my subscribers or whatever… but… it’s like when people know what’s going on when they read your comments on MySpace because they can go back and forth and see conversations… hell, on Facebook (aka STALKERbook) you can go “wall-to-wall” and SuperFeed doesn’t exactly leave much mystery to the world – hahaha, (insert sarcastic tone of voice here) and as fun as it can be to play stalker or be stalked… basically… I’m over it. Haha.

 

I will still not be fully disconnected from the MyAIMFaceSpaceBookSter whatever world (so call me guilty still) because… I still have AIM but no more stupid “guess how I’m doing” things on my profile; I still will have MySpace, but at least this time I’ve learned my lesson to only add friends who I don’t mind knowing my business (if I didn’t/don’t add you, well… there’s probably a reason for that! Sorry!) and I’m able to approve comments and what-not; and Facebook… I fixed my settings to my liking so not everybody’s got to know when I changed my profile, who wrote what on my wall, and who decided to hadouken me using SuperPoke.  Stupid applications. Ai-yah…

 

This is why I kind of miss OG Friendster.  It was so simple:  Here’s my info.  Write something nice about me (testimonials).  Send me a message (privately) if you want to say something to me about last night’s party or something.  SIMPLE. Gash.

 

Anyway… there’s my take about that.  I don’t need to explain any further, do I?

 

As for Xanga… man, my Xanga has been like my journal during my college-years.  In middle school and high school, I kept old-school journals (the kind you can actually write with a pen in, not online with jumping kitty-kat faces).  I miss that.  I can still look back at them and only I would know how I felt, what I experienced, and it was for the Lord and me only to know.

 

I've been in 2 relationships, by the way, since I had this.... and... I want to say something about that too I guess before I never do again....

 

I think though that it was put best by someone who... is pretty much dead to me now, but... I do mourn his "death", he was a great friend...

 

"To all that read, please be careful with relationships, don't promise what you can't follow through with, hurting someone you love is the greatest pain you could ever feel and it will stay with you forever.

To fall in love doesn't mean you have found someone that matches all that you believe in but rather that you have found someone who challenges everything you believe and together you agree on sacrifices and changes that are to be made in order for both of you to thrive. Its too beautiful for words."

 

But yeah… Xanga.  Journal… revealer of “this is what I’ve been up to” to the world… events promoter… keeper  of the memories and emotions past and present… haha.  It’s time to put you to a close.

 

And I feel like this is kind of big for me… no more going public with my soul when it’s not necessary….

 

It comes at a great time, too, when I really feel like it’s time to make a lot of changes in my life…  Maybe it’s all this accident stuff and the thinking and the drama and emotions and everything else God’s given to me lately that really made me rethink things about how I want to go about my life everyday.  I’m not exactly where I want to be at this point in my life, but I will be.  I know I will be.

 

I’m getting older.  (I know this because I was at a Halloween party last night and could not even hang… haha.  I got sleepy at 11:30. lol…)  But seriously, I am… and that doesn’t mean I’m saying “I’m sooo old!” or something… I’m still very, very young… And if there’s anything I’ve learned about myself through writing all these entries and evaluating how I see some things on life… I learned this about myself:

 

I’m always going to be stupid… at least stupid-ER than I will be a year from now.  I’m always going to feel the way I feel at-that-very-moment, but it doesn’t mean I have to feel that way forever, or even for a long time.  I think about one thing I write one night, and within a few days or even just overnight, my feelings have the opportunity to change.  Whether they do or not, I shouldn’t have to justify the changes in the way I feel for other people to understand.  One thing I don’t like is when people judge me for changing whether it be my feelings, emotions, my stance on something… It’s like, why does it bother you so much that maybe there are thoughts and rationalizations going on in my head and not just in my words?  It means I THINK… and whatever I do with my life, however I choose to feel shouldn’t be questioned unless of course it was only questioned for my well-being.  My real friends and loved ones understand this about me because hopefully they see that when they go through changes and different thoughts day-by-day, I don’t expect them to explain.  I accept that’s how they’ve felt, thought, and come to that point. Life is too short to expect people to always be the way you want to see them as.  Accept me as I am when I’m imperfect, inconsistent, emotional, challenged at times, mellow at times,  happy, sad, whatever… respect my decisions to be and I will respect you back. 

 

Another big thing I know now is that life is also too damn short to let shit KEEP you in a rut forever.  I’ve been in ruts left and right, but somehow I find the strength (especially in the Lord) to bear the weight I’ve been given until it’s somehow lifted off my back.

 

that is how I want to live and see everyday of my life… the way God would want me to see things.

 

I’m only 22.  I have so much to learn.  But I know if I can stop and look at my life and say to myself “I’m not happy with who I am or what I’m doing with my life or where I’m at”, that something needs to change and I have to be the change I want to see in my life. Not anyone else… even though people can contribute to that change.  It’s really all me.

 

So I can only pray that from here on out I do look at things differently, and act upon them differently.  I’m trying to get rid of all the negativity (or at least most of it) in my life, and fix things here and there.  Surround myself with good people who I can trust and have close relationships with because they know me (not because they read my Xanga or see my MySpace). 

 

With that said, from now on, if you want to talk to me or know what’s going on in my life… Call/IM/Text/Email me.  Better yet, let’s hang out.

 

Life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should…And Let go of what you can't change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances. Give everything… and have no regrets.

Life is too short to be unhappy. You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you are sad, love who and what you got, and always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget. Learn from your mistakes…but never regret what you’ve done. People change, and things go wrong, but never forget... life goes on…

 

Thank you if you read this whole thing. or if you ever read at all.

Sincerely,

Krystle Mae Pascua.